so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize