you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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