i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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