Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
