erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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