I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
