just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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