dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
