She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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