Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
