DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Couch. On fire.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
