Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
