This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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