just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
