Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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