my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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