You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
