Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
