I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
it was like eating out sand paper
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
