So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
