so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize