I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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