I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
