Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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