There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
