I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
God, I missed his penis.
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