There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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