Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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