Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
