I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
