if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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