I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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