just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
