Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
