When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
