I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
