I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
