i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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