But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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