I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
