You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
