Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
