My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
