She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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