rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
