he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
