would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
