walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
