I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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