Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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