We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
