Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
