I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You may now shotgun with the bride
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
