i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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