wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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