i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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