my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
